1 00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:30,580 Good evening. It's pure joy to be back with you once again, isn't it, Ross? 2 00:00:30,581 --> 00:00:33,999 Indeed it is. And in a packed programme tonight, we shall be showing you the new 3 00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:35,080 Mafia scarecrow. 4 00:00:35,300 --> 00:00:39,359 It's so terrifying, not only do the birds not take any seed, they bring back 5 00:00:39,360 --> 00:00:40,560 seed they took last year. 6 00:00:41,780 --> 00:00:46,219 And we'll be out and about with the Bishop of Bath and Wells to see him 7 00:00:46,220 --> 00:00:50,199 consecrate a swimming pool, bless three wells, confirm a bidet and christen a 8 00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:51,250 low -level suite. 9 00:00:53,580 --> 00:00:57,179 In the High Court today, a man complained of a noise made by an amorous 10 00:00:57,180 --> 00:00:58,079 in the flat above. 11 00:00:58,080 --> 00:01:01,579 Each evening, they'd sing the red flag, then eat supper and have fun on the sofa 12 00:01:01,580 --> 00:01:03,440 and take a very naughty bath together. 13 00:01:03,441 --> 00:01:06,439 So every night, it was hammer and tickle, cheese and pickle, slap and 14 00:01:06,440 --> 00:01:07,490 bubble and squeak. 15 00:01:10,820 --> 00:01:15,799 Complaints. Complaints were made following the annual chef's fancy dress 16 00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:20,479 last night. A woman dressed only in gooseberries and cream made an improper 17 00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:22,830 suggestion to a man dressed in cake and sherry. 18 00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:26,210 She made a proper fool of herself and he got a trifle excited. 19 00:01:27,780 --> 00:01:31,859 Mr. Osbert Grove, Britain's worst postman, who claims he was wrongfully 20 00:01:31,860 --> 00:01:36,259 dismissed by the GPO, today delivered a petition to the Queen at 19 Riversdale 21 00:01:36,260 --> 00:01:37,580 Road, Ashton -under -Lyne. 22 00:01:40,660 --> 00:01:47,159 Finally, Rolo Belch, Britain's most bilious man, suffered a major setback 23 00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:50,900 in his bid to sue the old Istanbul Donner Kebab House. 24 00:01:51,370 --> 00:01:52,990 His stomach settled out of court. 25 00:01:52,991 --> 00:01:57,989 And now a sketch featuring Mr Ronnie Corbett in the role of a schoolboy with 26 00:01:57,990 --> 00:02:00,460 short legs who learns to play the cello. Signs out. 27 00:02:28,751 --> 00:02:30,639 do terrace? 28 00:02:30,640 --> 00:02:33,160 No, this is 63 Puddle Duck Lane. 29 00:02:33,540 --> 00:02:34,800 Well, that's near enough. 30 00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:37,920 I've got this parcel here for Mr. 31 00:02:38,160 --> 00:02:39,580 J -O -N -E -S. 32 00:02:40,060 --> 00:02:43,180 Mr. J -O -N -E -S. Oh, that's me, Robinson. 33 00:02:43,640 --> 00:02:44,690 It's me. 34 00:02:45,440 --> 00:02:50,900 Have you got any identification on you, like some of your dress do you like? 35 00:02:51,180 --> 00:02:52,260 Well, of course I have. 36 00:02:52,460 --> 00:02:54,640 That. Oh, yeah, that's good enough. 37 00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:58,120 You go in and I'll knock. 38 00:02:58,151 --> 00:03:00,609 I can't get in, it's locked. 39 00:03:00,610 --> 00:03:01,660 Oh, well, you knock. 40 00:03:02,170 --> 00:03:04,580 Well, I don't think anyone will answer. Why not? 41 00:03:04,730 --> 00:03:05,870 Because I live on my own. 42 00:03:06,450 --> 00:03:07,930 Don't you have a key? 43 00:03:08,250 --> 00:03:11,690 Well, of course I've got a key, but it don't fit. Why don't it fit? 44 00:03:12,030 --> 00:03:15,110 Well, if I lost it, anyone could get in. Oh, yeah. 45 00:03:16,170 --> 00:03:18,460 You're no fool, are you? No, of course I'm not. 46 00:03:19,050 --> 00:03:22,909 Well, listen, I'm going to sit down here, and while we're waiting, I'm going 47 00:03:22,910 --> 00:03:23,889 twiddle my thumb. 48 00:03:23,890 --> 00:03:26,430 Oh, really? The missus always does mine. 49 00:03:30,160 --> 00:03:31,680 My toes did half ache. 50 00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:34,660 I think I've got me shoes on the wrong feet. 51 00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:36,760 Well, those be early on, then. 52 00:03:37,860 --> 00:03:39,480 You know he's in London. 53 00:03:41,780 --> 00:03:45,799 Meant to ask you something. Was it you or your missus was knocked down by a bus 54 00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:46,699 the other day? 55 00:03:46,700 --> 00:03:47,750 When was that? 56 00:03:47,860 --> 00:03:50,210 Tuesday, wasn't it? Oh, that'll be the missus. 57 00:03:51,020 --> 00:03:52,070 Where were you? 58 00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:53,130 I was driving the bus. 59 00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:58,480 Do you miss her? I did Monday. I ran out of petrol. 60 00:04:03,210 --> 00:04:04,260 last night. No. 61 00:04:04,670 --> 00:04:07,380 Oh, that's funny. Your voice usually travels from oil. 62 00:04:08,470 --> 00:04:09,520 Yeah. 63 00:04:14,110 --> 00:04:16,209 What are you laughing at in that paper? 64 00:04:16,470 --> 00:04:17,769 I don't know. I can't read. 65 00:04:19,290 --> 00:04:20,930 I can't give it here. 66 00:04:21,350 --> 00:04:27,010 Oh, look, it says, Vicar posed as duck in blue movies with girl guides. 67 00:04:27,730 --> 00:04:29,150 You never read that. 68 00:04:29,900 --> 00:04:31,400 You're a friend of the vicar's. 69 00:04:31,540 --> 00:04:36,820 No, he says here, the vicar has three previous convictions and the duck has 70 00:04:36,821 --> 00:04:41,719 Terrible thing happened to my brother, you know, on his wedding night. Oh? 71 00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:43,220 not actually him, to his bride. 72 00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:48,080 They locked her in the bathroom and dressed the duck up in all the bridal 73 00:04:48,260 --> 00:04:49,480 Oh, did he notice? 74 00:04:49,940 --> 00:04:51,540 Not to the following Easter, no. 75 00:04:53,390 --> 00:04:55,150 He gave her an egg and she sat in it. 76 00:04:56,130 --> 00:05:00,270 Yeah, well, I can sympathise with her, cos I'm short -sighted. 77 00:05:00,530 --> 00:05:02,290 Do you see that cow there? 78 00:05:02,650 --> 00:05:05,270 What, the near cow or the far cow? 79 00:05:05,470 --> 00:05:06,790 The near one. No. 80 00:05:09,370 --> 00:05:12,110 I can't even see as far as me glasses. 81 00:05:13,370 --> 00:05:15,670 I tell you what, I've always wondered this. 82 00:05:16,350 --> 00:05:19,430 Is Englebert, I'm putting his real name... 83 00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:22,560 Is Englebert Humperdinck whose real name? 84 00:05:23,340 --> 00:05:24,390 Tom Jones. 85 00:05:25,940 --> 00:05:27,920 Probably, very probably, yeah. Oh, yeah. 86 00:05:27,980 --> 00:05:30,960 Listen, what is the postage on that? 87 00:05:31,220 --> 00:05:36,619 Well, you see, it's according to the weight. Yeah. And that being like in 88 00:05:36,620 --> 00:05:37,900 is minus 12p. 89 00:05:39,280 --> 00:05:40,640 What shape is that? 90 00:05:41,020 --> 00:05:42,240 Well, I don't say on it. 91 00:05:42,680 --> 00:05:44,920 Looks like one half a Dolly Parton to me. 92 00:05:46,260 --> 00:05:47,310 Which half? 93 00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:48,450 The small half. 94 00:05:49,710 --> 00:05:52,830 Well, I'm military now, eh? Here, you better have that. 95 00:05:57,110 --> 00:05:58,160 Oh, dear. 96 00:05:58,510 --> 00:06:01,520 Your shoes are bad. You ought to take them up to what's -name? 97 00:06:01,630 --> 00:06:04,760 Cobblers. Well, that's nice, isn't it? I'm only trying to help. 98 00:06:12,390 --> 00:06:16,709 This evening, with another of his own compositions, why can't it wait till 99 00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:19,060 morning? Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Collins. 100 00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:49,320 Why can't it wait till morning? 101 00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:58,240 We talked about it then. 102 00:07:01,500 --> 00:07:05,020 Because I've had a drink too many. 103 00:07:05,780 --> 00:07:09,580 And my troubles, well, I ain't got any. 104 00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:13,680 Why can't... 105 00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:17,300 Till daylight. 106 00:07:22,440 --> 00:07:26,080 Much clearer there. 107 00:07:29,280 --> 00:07:32,820 I'm tired and my eyes are weary. 108 00:07:33,420 --> 00:07:36,100 And I just want you like. 109 00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:17,520 Because I just want to hold you so close to me. 110 00:08:21,220 --> 00:08:24,460 It'll take care of itself. 111 00:08:25,280 --> 00:08:30,379 And I want to sleep so I can't wait 112 00:08:30,380 --> 00:08:33,760 till next time. 113 00:08:37,320 --> 00:08:39,419 Cause that time. 114 00:09:39,850 --> 00:09:40,900 Hello, Dudley. 115 00:09:41,370 --> 00:09:42,420 How's it going? 116 00:09:43,230 --> 00:09:44,790 Why? What's the matter with it? 117 00:09:46,310 --> 00:09:47,890 What's the matter with it? 118 00:09:48,190 --> 00:09:49,490 I found it. 119 00:09:50,370 --> 00:09:52,210 Found it? Where then? 120 00:09:52,450 --> 00:09:55,530 In a tobacconist. Someone must have dropped it on the carter. 121 00:09:57,230 --> 00:09:58,550 That's criminal, that is. 122 00:09:59,030 --> 00:10:00,750 Well, only if you get caught. 123 00:10:00,751 --> 00:10:05,369 Nothing wrong with crime, is there? I mean, look at Robin Hood, eh? 124 00:10:05,370 --> 00:10:08,020 I mean, he was a hero. We never stopped robbing people. 125 00:10:08,150 --> 00:10:10,270 Well, yeah, but he only robbed the rich. 126 00:10:11,030 --> 00:10:12,530 Yeah, you know why, don't you? 127 00:10:13,050 --> 00:10:15,870 Why? Well, because the poor ain't got any money. 128 00:10:19,690 --> 00:10:22,280 Any crime in your family at all, doesn't he, I mean? 129 00:10:22,510 --> 00:10:23,890 Oh, yeah, my sister. 130 00:10:24,950 --> 00:10:26,000 She's a stripper. 131 00:10:26,470 --> 00:10:29,300 Well, that's not a crime, is it? Taking your clothes off. 132 00:10:29,930 --> 00:10:31,430 Oh, no, she don't take a... 133 00:10:31,770 --> 00:10:34,790 clothes off, she goes up on her ruse and takes the lead off. 134 00:10:37,030 --> 00:10:42,389 My brother was up before the beat once, you know, for lighting fireworks in the 135 00:10:42,390 --> 00:10:43,440 street. 136 00:10:43,850 --> 00:10:46,650 Selling him, was he, eh? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. 137 00:10:47,170 --> 00:10:52,309 I know what to do with you, my man, said the judge. I shall make the punishment 138 00:10:52,310 --> 00:10:54,030 fit the crime, he says. 139 00:10:54,550 --> 00:11:00,110 I'm going to do to you what you done to them fireworks, he says. 140 00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:01,860 Well, what do you do then? 141 00:11:02,260 --> 00:11:03,310 He let him off. 142 00:11:08,811 --> 00:11:10,419 Welcome 143 00:11:10,420 --> 00:11:18,119 to 144 00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:20,240 another edition of Speak Off. 145 00:11:22,700 --> 00:11:23,750 Speak off! 146 00:11:24,040 --> 00:11:25,090 Speak off! 147 00:11:29,740 --> 00:11:34,420 Come, you've got to come out because, because, because, because. 148 00:11:38,880 --> 00:11:39,930 G'day. 149 00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:41,560 Hello there. 150 00:11:41,760 --> 00:11:43,060 We are, though. 151 00:11:43,520 --> 00:11:44,820 Lovely afternoon. 152 00:11:45,300 --> 00:11:46,350 It's true. 153 00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:48,080 Good gracious. 154 00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:51,200 The sun is tight, crook. 155 00:11:51,620 --> 00:11:53,880 These sandwiches have an odd flavour. 156 00:11:54,420 --> 00:11:56,780 I think I'm going to chander. 157 00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:01,540 I think I'm going to go walk a boat. 158 00:12:01,541 --> 00:12:06,479 Yes, this is the programme designed to familiarise you new Australians with the 159 00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:08,220 language of your adoptive country. 160 00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:12,139 This week we are going to look at a linguistic phenomenon known as Wagga 161 00:12:12,140 --> 00:12:13,190 Double Talk. 162 00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:17,179 This can be heard not only in Wagga Wagga, but in townships as far apart as 163 00:12:17,180 --> 00:12:20,850 Ulladulla, Bindi Bindi, Kurikuri and Turramurra near Sydney -Whidney. 164 00:12:20,851 --> 00:12:25,719 Its originator appears to have been a German immigrant by the name of Wilhelm 165 00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:27,800 Nilhelm. Or Willy Nilly. 166 00:12:30,510 --> 00:12:33,760 born in Barden -Barden and later died in Pago -Pago of Bury -Bury. 167 00:12:34,110 --> 00:12:38,149 In Wagga Wagga Double Talk, the last word of every sentence is either 168 00:12:38,150 --> 00:12:39,310 or rhymed. 169 00:12:39,510 --> 00:12:42,100 A typical greeting, therefore, will be G'day, Ray. 170 00:12:44,090 --> 00:12:46,680 Similarly, you will hear, What's on the TV, Steve? 171 00:12:47,990 --> 00:12:52,530 TV being television. Or give us a bail mail, a bail being a telephone call. 172 00:12:52,770 --> 00:12:57,130 Now, a racetrack becomes a horse course, and the horse, of course, JJ. 173 00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:02,440 the racing and a barbecue, you can have a dabby barbie. 174 00:13:04,300 --> 00:13:10,799 The natives of that fair town will proudly point out a wogger jogger, a 175 00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:13,780 grogger, and, of course, a wogger wagger. 176 00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:19,040 Likewise, a woggen wagon and a wagon wogan. 177 00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:27,060 If, however, you walk, being English, you will hear the cry, going for a prom, 178 00:13:27,100 --> 00:13:28,150 pom. 179 00:13:28,151 --> 00:13:31,969 Or if there are two of you, pom -pom. Or three, and the one in the middle's 180 00:13:31,970 --> 00:13:33,530 drunk, pom -tiddly -pom -pom. 181 00:13:33,531 --> 00:13:39,289 Now we finish with a clip from the new Australian film directed by and starring 182 00:13:39,290 --> 00:13:44,329 two of Wagga Wagga's favourite stars, Kevin Levin and Beryl Merrill, spoken 183 00:13:44,330 --> 00:13:46,130 throughout in their native dialect. 184 00:13:46,190 --> 00:13:50,370 Recently premiered overseas in Hong Kong, Walla Walla, Sing Sing and Mill 185 00:13:50,990 --> 00:13:56,009 In this scene, we see the local flock doc, or sheep doctor, a man who earns a 186 00:13:56,010 --> 00:14:01,059 dinkum -inkum, a good salary, Returning home. The film is presented with English 187 00:14:01,060 --> 00:14:02,110 subtitles. 188 00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:08,160 Well, well. 189 00:14:13,100 --> 00:14:14,720 Some slum. 190 00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:19,820 Duct, rough, peeling, peeling. 191 00:14:20,780 --> 00:14:23,400 Your crummy mummy is a tawdry... 192 00:14:31,470 --> 00:14:33,710 You pong as strong as a boomer's bloomer. 193 00:14:37,030 --> 00:14:39,250 Oh, hell's bells. 194 00:14:40,890 --> 00:14:42,590 Another pommy consomme. 195 00:14:45,110 --> 00:14:48,190 Oh, that tastes worse than a kiwi's wee -wee. 196 00:14:52,110 --> 00:14:54,970 Look, I've got a right to some paka -taka. 197 00:14:55,310 --> 00:14:58,670 Pot -pot, roly -poly, couscous, paw. 198 00:15:08,680 --> 00:15:09,730 I'm a silly bully. 199 00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:12,380 Look, let's slowly go downtown. 200 00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:15,900 We could go and see the local Amdram. 201 00:15:18,080 --> 00:15:20,220 They're doing Flora Dora. 202 00:15:23,620 --> 00:15:24,880 No go. 203 00:15:25,540 --> 00:15:31,160 All right, then. How about coming up on the Zed bed for a little anky -panky? 204 00:15:32,420 --> 00:15:33,470 Finally, 205 00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:38,120 a word of reassurance. 206 00:15:38,121 --> 00:15:41,689 If you do settle in Wagga Wagga, certain English expressions are not only 207 00:15:41,690 --> 00:15:46,229 permissible, they are actually welcome. These include tut -tut, pip -pip, wakey 208 00:15:46,230 --> 00:15:49,900 -wakey, coochie -coochie, chin -chin, here -here, and you -who. Bye -bye. 209 00:16:04,410 --> 00:16:06,250 Good morning, Master Shakespeare. 210 00:16:07,099 --> 00:16:08,149 Hello, Miltman. 211 00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:11,420 How fair is thy goodly self this many a day? 212 00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:14,460 Wish you'd speak the flaming Queen's English. 213 00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:16,140 Quite the gold chocolate. 214 00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:17,900 You don't sound very happy, sir. 215 00:16:18,680 --> 00:16:20,660 Something wrong with your latest play? 216 00:16:20,780 --> 00:16:22,460 You're not wrong there, sunshine. 217 00:16:23,140 --> 00:16:25,820 I'll be right two and eight over it, tell you that. 218 00:16:26,240 --> 00:16:28,660 Might I, by chance, take an itsy -bitsy gander? 219 00:16:28,940 --> 00:16:32,070 By all means, yes. You have a little butcher's there. Have a look. 220 00:16:34,620 --> 00:16:35,670 Oh. 221 00:16:35,671 --> 00:16:37,049 What do we know? 222 00:16:37,050 --> 00:16:40,509 We don't like it. What do you mean? No, no. Would it not be a shade better to 223 00:16:40,510 --> 00:16:45,969 say, now is the winter of our discontent, made glorious summer by the 224 00:16:45,970 --> 00:16:48,630 York. Well, that's all a bit fancy, isn't it, eh? 225 00:16:49,190 --> 00:16:52,110 On top of that, it wasn't about what I writ there, you know. 226 00:16:53,270 --> 00:16:56,430 Runny cold, I said to York, he think I'll have a week in talking. 227 00:16:57,870 --> 00:16:59,250 That's all right, isn't it? 228 00:16:59,610 --> 00:17:00,930 Rhymes, if you say it quick. 229 00:17:01,230 --> 00:17:02,970 Relax a certain magic, sir. 230 00:17:02,971 --> 00:17:06,169 Oh. Listen, I'll tell you what. I was working on another piece the other day. 231 00:17:06,170 --> 00:17:08,229 I'll get you to have a look at this. See what you think of that. See your 232 00:17:08,230 --> 00:17:09,280 opinion of that. 233 00:17:10,369 --> 00:17:12,779 Carry on, Othello. Good title, don't you think? 234 00:17:13,810 --> 00:17:18,608 He lacks class. I mean, the main character, Othello. Does he have to be a 235 00:17:18,609 --> 00:17:19,659 bookie's runner? 236 00:17:19,670 --> 00:17:20,930 No, no, no. 237 00:17:20,931 --> 00:17:23,309 Could be a pork butcher or something like that? 238 00:17:23,310 --> 00:17:27,269 Social worker? No, I fear you missed the point entirely, sir. No, no. He should 239 00:17:27,270 --> 00:17:30,190 be a romantic. A romantic soldier, perchance. 240 00:17:30,191 --> 00:17:33,719 Well, what do you mean, Sergeant Major Othello in charge of the cookhouse, 241 00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:34,459 something like that? 242 00:17:34,460 --> 00:17:37,860 Well, if you want to make it more avant -garde, he could be coloured. 243 00:17:38,260 --> 00:17:40,610 That's a good idea, good idea. Change the title. 244 00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:42,680 Chocolate Soldier, we could call it. 245 00:17:42,681 --> 00:17:45,179 A bit of a joke there, as a matter of fact. A joke? 246 00:17:45,180 --> 00:17:47,859 Yes, a bit of a joke, a bit of a gag, you see. Someone in the audience would 247 00:17:47,860 --> 00:17:51,399 shout, sing us a bit from the Chocolate Soldier, you see. Then Othello could 248 00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:52,450 say, which bit? 249 00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:55,350 And the lady would shout back, the bit with the nuts in. 250 00:17:56,280 --> 00:17:57,660 Very well in Hamlet, you see. 251 00:17:57,661 --> 00:18:00,849 Then you put them in a pair of loose tights, you know, just to give it more 252 00:18:00,850 --> 00:18:05,550 point. I must say, dear, it needs a little soups on a sec somewhere. 253 00:18:05,830 --> 00:18:10,429 What do you mean, soups on a sec? Have a look at that. Mrs Othello, Gladys, near 254 00:18:10,430 --> 00:18:14,370 Ponsford, married 27 years, 11 children, 12th on the way. 255 00:18:14,371 --> 00:18:17,869 I mean, I think you've got to admit that in the How's Your Father department, 256 00:18:17,870 --> 00:18:19,070 Othello was quite tasty. 257 00:18:19,071 --> 00:18:22,909 Well, far be it from me to criticise the great William Shakespeare, but it 258 00:18:22,910 --> 00:18:25,029 certainly doesn't take one's pulses racing. 259 00:18:25,030 --> 00:18:27,079 Oh. Perhaps I should go back to selling insurance. 260 00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:31,299 What do you think? Oh, pox on that, sir. It would be a crime indeed to deprive 261 00:18:31,300 --> 00:18:33,740 the world of the majesty of your great work. 262 00:18:34,140 --> 00:18:36,790 There's another thing I was working on the other day. 263 00:18:36,800 --> 00:18:40,110 Have a butcher's at that, see what you think. Oh, Julius Caesar. Yes. 264 00:18:40,740 --> 00:18:41,820 Don't like it, do you? 265 00:18:41,821 --> 00:18:43,479 You don't like it until I can tell. 266 00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:44,779 Well, what would you have written? 267 00:18:44,780 --> 00:18:48,959 Well, I would have written something like, Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend 268 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:50,010 your ears. 269 00:18:50,140 --> 00:18:53,520 I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him. 270 00:18:53,880 --> 00:18:55,580 Oh, that's a bit poncy, isn't it? 271 00:18:56,020 --> 00:18:57,760 I mean, look. 272 00:18:58,280 --> 00:19:02,419 Look, we better plant Caesar before very long. It's a very hot day and he's 273 00:19:02,420 --> 00:19:03,470 starting to pong. 274 00:19:06,680 --> 00:19:07,980 I mean, goodness. 275 00:19:07,981 --> 00:19:11,619 Listen, anyway, I can't rabbit away here. I've got a motor on with this. 276 00:19:11,620 --> 00:19:13,240 got a deadline here for Saturday. 277 00:19:13,620 --> 00:19:15,060 Richard the 111th. 278 00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:20,080 What seems to be the problem with that one? Well, I'm stuck right at the end, 279 00:19:20,081 --> 00:19:23,229 you see. He's just finished the battle, Richard, you see. He's all in his jack. 280 00:19:23,230 --> 00:19:26,149 He's just standing there. He's trying to call for help, you see. Call him 281 00:19:26,150 --> 00:19:27,929 basically for help, and I can think of nothing we can say. 282 00:19:27,930 --> 00:19:31,349 Well, much as I would like to stay and proper my assistance, I fear my milk 283 00:19:31,350 --> 00:19:33,630 round is still very long and all on foot. 284 00:19:33,930 --> 00:19:39,390 How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable seem to me all the uses of this world. 285 00:19:40,010 --> 00:19:42,720 You ought to get the corpse to give you some transport. 286 00:19:42,910 --> 00:19:43,960 If only! 287 00:19:44,540 --> 00:19:47,100 A horse, a horse, my kingdom for all. 288 00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:49,250 That is it. 289 00:19:49,440 --> 00:19:52,450 That is it. That is what Richard would say at the battlefield. 290 00:19:52,540 --> 00:19:53,590 That is it. 291 00:19:53,780 --> 00:19:59,480 I fought so hard, me leg's gone wonky. Will somebody fetch me a bleeding 292 00:20:14,860 --> 00:20:16,520 You know what gets to me, Jevons? 293 00:20:18,600 --> 00:20:19,700 It's the quiet. 294 00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:24,980 The slow, relentless quiet. 295 00:20:26,780 --> 00:20:27,830 Churning away. 296 00:20:29,260 --> 00:20:33,140 Heating at your mind hour after hour, never knowing if Jerry's down there. 297 00:20:34,140 --> 00:20:35,190 Waiting. 298 00:20:37,040 --> 00:20:41,280 Slow, unending quiet, crushing your will. 299 00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:44,060 Breaking your soul. 300 00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:00,910 Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. 301 00:21:00,911 --> 00:21:02,519 Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. Cheep, cheep, 302 00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:04,200 cheep. Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. 303 00:21:04,201 --> 00:21:06,819 Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. Cheep, cheep, 304 00:21:06,820 --> 00:21:08,059 cheep. Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. 305 00:21:08,060 --> 00:21:09,219 Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. Cheep, cheep, 306 00:21:09,220 --> 00:21:10,119 cheep. 307 00:21:10,120 --> 00:21:13,680 Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. Cheep, 308 00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:16,550 cheep, cheep, cheep. Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. 309 00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:24,780 Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep 310 00:21:29,900 --> 00:21:33,570 Was it slightly out of key? What? Was it slightly out of key? No, it was not. 311 00:21:33,571 --> 00:21:39,399 Well, if it wasn't the wrong tune, sir, and it wasn't out of key, sir, why did 312 00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:45,999 you not like it, sir? What did he... What did he... Just don't do it, that's 313 00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:46,919 all. 314 00:21:46,920 --> 00:21:49,930 Sorry, sir. Sorry, I was only trying to help, sir. Well, don't. 315 00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:55,250 God, it's quiet. 316 00:21:57,880 --> 00:21:59,440 Listen to that. Do you hear that? 317 00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:01,730 Not a sound. 318 00:22:04,420 --> 00:22:11,219 Just the knowledge that somewhere, down there, Jerry's sitting it out, waiting 319 00:22:11,220 --> 00:22:14,460 for us to make a move, to make a mistake. 320 00:22:15,540 --> 00:22:19,759 I can't stand it. Not a sound, not a whisper, relentless, eating at every 321 00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:20,810 I can't stand it! 322 00:22:34,890 --> 00:22:36,150 It's a ship, not an aviary. 323 00:22:36,810 --> 00:22:37,860 Why do you think so? 324 00:22:38,950 --> 00:22:41,780 I thought it might relieve the tension. Well, it doesn't. 325 00:22:41,781 --> 00:22:47,029 Bad enough having Jerry down there without a midshipman who thinks he's a 326 00:22:47,030 --> 00:22:49,230 sparrow. It's the same family. 327 00:22:49,530 --> 00:22:55,610 No, sir. Not, sir. No, not really. The sparrow is much more... Shut up, Jerry! 328 00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:07,540 It's so damn quiet. 329 00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:14,599 Not a sound, not a whisper, just this damn, damn silence clawing at your brain 330 00:23:14,600 --> 00:23:15,780 day after day. 331 00:23:16,820 --> 00:23:19,400 God, I don't know how much more of this I could take. 332 00:23:21,140 --> 00:23:22,540 I really don't. 333 00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:28,420 How much more I could take before I crack. 334 00:23:41,199 --> 00:23:46,340 Are you all right, sir? 335 00:23:46,620 --> 00:23:48,000 Never felt better in my life. 336 00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:12,400 Why would a chicken go to sea? 337 00:24:12,660 --> 00:24:14,820 I don't know why would a chicken go to sea. 338 00:24:15,380 --> 00:24:17,180 I'm not joking. I'm not telling a joke. 339 00:24:17,181 --> 00:24:20,179 I'm not telling a joke. I'm not telling a joke. I'm not telling a joke. I'm not 340 00:24:20,180 --> 00:24:20,939 telling a joke. I'm not telling a joke. I'm not telling a joke. 341 00:24:20,940 --> 00:24:23,059 I'm not telling a joke. I'm not telling a joke. I'm not telling a joke. I'm not 342 00:24:23,060 --> 00:24:23,759 telling a joke. I'm not telling a joke. I'm not telling a joke. I'm not telling 343 00:24:23,760 --> 00:24:24,810 a joke. 344 00:24:26,040 --> 00:24:27,220 I'm not telling a joke. 345 00:24:27,460 --> 00:24:28,540 I'm not telling a joke. 346 00:24:30,760 --> 00:24:33,420 I'm not telling a joke. 347 00:24:39,370 --> 00:24:41,390 A singing rat does chicken impressions. 348 00:24:41,391 --> 00:24:46,729 Oh, I think it's a smelly rat. It's a prickly angle and there's a floating. 349 00:24:46,730 --> 00:24:49,450 not a singing rat to do chicken impressions to fool us. 350 00:24:49,690 --> 00:24:54,069 Oh, you're right, Henry. We must leave the area at once before we are 351 00:24:54,070 --> 00:24:55,120 discovered. 352 00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:02,370 ending silence. 353 00:26:02,660 --> 00:26:04,660 The danger is approaching. 354 00:26:06,240 --> 00:26:10,180 Whatever it is, Jevons, we've got to face it. 355 00:26:10,680 --> 00:26:11,730 Like men. 356 00:26:12,020 --> 00:26:13,070 Yes, sir. 357 00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:03,319 Here is a very funny story, which got very big laughs when I told it last year 358 00:27:03,320 --> 00:27:04,099 in Las Vegas. 359 00:27:04,100 --> 00:27:07,040 So I'd like to... No, 360 00:27:08,180 --> 00:27:11,130 I say Las Vegas. It wasn't actually in Las Vegas, obviously. 361 00:27:11,400 --> 00:27:13,620 More, you know, sort of outside Las Vegas. 362 00:27:14,220 --> 00:27:15,300 Islington, actually. 363 00:27:16,480 --> 00:27:20,120 Incidentally, I'd like to say that it hasn't changed me at all. No, it has 364 00:27:20,121 --> 00:27:23,579 Oh, no, it was very easy. That's because I've now topped the bill at the 365 00:27:23,580 --> 00:27:26,770 Islington Derby and Joan Club's annual dinner and break dance. 366 00:27:27,820 --> 00:27:31,679 To get all starry and big time, but that is not my style. I shall still be there 367 00:27:31,680 --> 00:27:36,299 in person next week when the Ronnie Corbett Fan Club holds its annual rally 368 00:27:36,300 --> 00:27:39,300 Trafalgar Square, or if wet, in a diving suit. 369 00:27:40,340 --> 00:27:44,459 By the way, before I go any further, I have promised to dedicate this joke 370 00:27:44,460 --> 00:27:49,659 tonight to our executive producer, a very distinguished and senior man here 371 00:27:49,660 --> 00:27:54,600 the BBC, and tipped by some to get a car parking space in Michael Gradesworth, 372 00:27:54,720 --> 00:27:55,770 the Honourable. 373 00:27:56,271 --> 00:27:58,319 My goodness. 374 00:27:58,320 --> 00:28:01,579 My goodness, there is a man who's come a long way since he started out in this 375 00:28:01,580 --> 00:28:03,920 business as a roadie for Tubby the Tuber. 376 00:28:05,400 --> 00:28:11,339 I met him for lunch today up in the BBC self -service canteen where there was a 377 00:28:11,340 --> 00:28:12,390 bit of a hiatus. 378 00:28:12,680 --> 00:28:16,939 All the craze had come to a standstill due to a points failure at Gooseberry 379 00:28:16,940 --> 00:28:17,990 Crumble. 380 00:28:18,480 --> 00:28:23,220 And over by the bar, over by the bar, there was a bit of a celebration going 381 00:28:23,280 --> 00:28:27,010 In fact, I think some of the stagehands have got a bit carried away because... 382 00:28:27,040 --> 00:28:30,290 When I arrived, Helena Scott was being dusted for fingerprints. 383 00:28:31,480 --> 00:28:36,439 Apparently, apparently the grape was flowing because one of the BBC 384 00:28:36,440 --> 00:28:39,439 had just become a father, funnily enough, you know, tonight at the war 385 00:28:39,440 --> 00:28:42,870 The baby was said to be fine with occasional drizzle later in the day. 386 00:28:43,720 --> 00:28:48,819 Which reminds me, which reminds me, a little wave, if I may, to my wife and 387 00:28:48,820 --> 00:28:51,900 mother of my children, in case either of them is looking in. 388 00:28:54,140 --> 00:28:56,560 That's just a little joke to cheer her up. 389 00:28:56,561 --> 00:29:00,159 She is rather on edge tonight, my wife, because she has just finished writing 390 00:29:00,160 --> 00:29:04,359 her first ever romantic novel due to be published tomorrow. An amazing 391 00:29:04,360 --> 00:29:09,900 achievement, really. 800 sizzling pages of love, lust and raw passion. 392 00:29:10,380 --> 00:29:12,490 Which started out as a note to the milkman. 393 00:29:14,160 --> 00:29:21,140 Last night we invited a few media people around for dinner, 394 00:29:21,200 --> 00:29:22,400 you know, to launch it. 395 00:29:22,810 --> 00:29:26,869 evening which got off to a bad start when Janet Street Porter wandered into 396 00:29:26,870 --> 00:29:29,340 kitchen and the waste disposal unit went for her. 397 00:29:31,530 --> 00:29:36,769 I must tell you this joke, which is about two chaps who one day decide to 398 00:29:36,770 --> 00:29:40,730 rather an unusual bet. And talking of unusual bets, I was reminded of this 399 00:29:40,770 --> 00:29:45,169 funnily enough, by a local vicar who had just been into William Hills to put a 400 00:29:45,170 --> 00:29:47,520 Yankee on the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. 401 00:29:50,040 --> 00:29:53,780 He was telling me... Oh, you died. Joke there. 402 00:29:55,080 --> 00:29:56,160 Too, too, oh, you died. 403 00:29:56,220 --> 00:30:01,119 And he was... Certainly for me. Anyway, he was telling me... I'm rocking about 404 00:30:01,120 --> 00:30:05,139 quite a lot tonight. He was telling me that he has been having a lot of trouble 405 00:30:05,140 --> 00:30:07,539 with his health, that is, the vicar, you know, lately. 406 00:30:07,540 --> 00:30:11,599 Grumbling appendix. Strangely enough, when I went into my hospital to have my 407 00:30:11,600 --> 00:30:14,739 appendix out, I had a terrible time of it. You know, it was one of those 408 00:30:14,740 --> 00:30:18,680 operating theatres with a gallery of medical students looking on, you know. 409 00:30:19,210 --> 00:30:21,560 I was booed off halfway through the operation. 410 00:30:23,250 --> 00:30:27,090 To a slow hand clap and cries of, bring back the tonsillectomy. 411 00:30:27,091 --> 00:30:30,889 I knew I should never have gone in there because it was one of those trendy 412 00:30:30,890 --> 00:30:34,349 progressive hospitals, you know. If your child gets a saucepan stuck in his 413 00:30:34,350 --> 00:30:37,929 head, they send around three psychiatrists with saucepans on their 414 00:30:37,930 --> 00:30:39,350 relate to the experience. 415 00:30:40,410 --> 00:30:44,609 And if a patient's temperature is up, a Catholic priest with a megaphone tries 416 00:30:44,610 --> 00:30:45,660 to talk it down. 417 00:30:46,910 --> 00:30:47,960 I digress. 418 00:30:49,170 --> 00:30:53,589 And when we return, at last, to the story of these two chaps who one day go 419 00:30:53,590 --> 00:30:55,270 the cinema to see a John Wayne film. 420 00:30:55,510 --> 00:30:56,830 I can't remember which one. 421 00:30:56,831 --> 00:30:59,589 I think it was the one, you know, in which he played a cowboy. 422 00:30:59,590 --> 00:31:03,829 But before they go in, the first chap turns to his friend and he says, here, 423 00:31:03,830 --> 00:31:06,869 said, I'm going to bet you ten pounds that at the end of this film, John Wayne 424 00:31:06,870 --> 00:31:07,920 falls off his horse. 425 00:31:07,921 --> 00:31:10,789 The other chap says, all right, he says, I bet you ten pounds at the end of the 426 00:31:10,790 --> 00:31:13,889 film that John Wayne doesn't fall off his horse. So the bet is agreed. In they 427 00:31:13,890 --> 00:31:17,869 go. And sure enough, at the end of the film, John Wayne, having cleaned up the 428 00:31:17,870 --> 00:31:21,489 Wild West with one hand, anxious to get as far away as possible before Pearl and 429 00:31:21,490 --> 00:31:28,389 Dean come on, leaps onto his trusty steed and splat, falls off the horse 430 00:31:28,390 --> 00:31:29,440 right on his face. 431 00:31:29,441 --> 00:31:32,569 Out come the two chaps. The first one pockets the ten and he said, there. 432 00:31:32,570 --> 00:31:34,289 He said, here. He said, I must be honest. 433 00:31:34,290 --> 00:31:37,600 He said, I've seen that film before and I knew he fell off his horse. 434 00:31:37,601 --> 00:31:39,949 And his friend said, yes. He said, I've got to be honest, too. He said, I've 435 00:31:39,950 --> 00:31:43,560 seen it before as well. But I didn't think the silly fool would do it again. 436 00:31:56,510 --> 00:32:01,850 Let's all go down to pub. Saturday night, boys, all down to rub -a -dub. 437 00:32:03,340 --> 00:32:06,000 I'm here, Sid's here, knocking back the beer. 438 00:32:06,380 --> 00:32:09,480 Half past ten comes, we will still be here. 439 00:32:09,760 --> 00:32:15,320 This is the place to be, Saturday night for a speech, all your cups of tea. 440 00:32:16,100 --> 00:32:21,919 And if Daisy treats us right, we'll be back tomorrow night, all down to rub -a 441 00:32:21,920 --> 00:32:22,970 -dub. 442 00:32:23,440 --> 00:32:28,080 Daisy, Daisy, standing behind the bar. 443 00:32:28,970 --> 00:32:34,330 You're quite hazy after my 40th job. 444 00:32:34,530 --> 00:32:40,310 It's a bit of an hocus -pocus to get you into focus. 445 00:32:40,550 --> 00:32:46,310 Your sweater just goes in and out like a jelly mole built for two. 446 00:32:48,070 --> 00:32:52,650 Georgie Porgie's nearly as drunk as me. 447 00:32:53,730 --> 00:32:58,520 He's had four... I've had 23. 448 00:32:59,080 --> 00:33:05,260 But in spite of his fuller figure, my capacity's much bigger. 449 00:33:05,440 --> 00:33:11,360 My hollow legs are like two kegs, and I'm feeling my wellies too. 450 00:33:12,140 --> 00:33:18,020 Sitting and looking at all the birds helps to pass the time. 451 00:33:20,190 --> 00:33:27,049 Too coarse for words And some are really sublime And we tempt them all 452 00:33:27,050 --> 00:33:33,749 With liquor of every sort All I can offer is old and 453 00:33:33,750 --> 00:33:36,530 stout With me they get something short 454 00:33:38,990 --> 00:33:45,550 If this was the only pub in the world, I still wouldn't eat their pies. 455 00:33:46,790 --> 00:33:50,150 Nothing could be lousier than the food in here. 456 00:33:50,610 --> 00:33:53,630 It's so bad it nearly puts you off your beer. 457 00:33:54,030 --> 00:34:00,730 If you have the ploughman's lunch, I swear, it tastes just like mud and 458 00:34:02,650 --> 00:34:08,829 Picked a pie up and broke me fingernail. The cook here got the sack from British 459 00:34:08,830 --> 00:34:15,810 Rail. If this was the only pub in the world, we'd eat at the vet's next door. 460 00:34:16,850 --> 00:34:22,928 Still, the drink is pretty good. Like they lot the folks here. Funny lot of 461 00:34:22,929 --> 00:34:23,789 jokes here. 462 00:34:23,790 --> 00:34:26,650 Mild and a bit of the woot. 463 00:34:27,010 --> 00:34:30,590 Finest in the old Kent Road. Oh, blimey, fine. 464 00:34:30,909 --> 00:34:32,409 this in the old Kent Road. 465 00:34:33,270 --> 00:34:34,909 Oh, mine's a pint of brown. 466 00:34:35,210 --> 00:34:36,449 A pint of stuff in town. 467 00:34:36,850 --> 00:34:40,729 Spent the rent, but what the heck. Get the nectar down your neck. Keep your 468 00:34:40,730 --> 00:34:43,020 pecker up, lads, or life will ground you down. 469 00:34:43,469 --> 00:34:46,479 Let's not ease up. Let's have an ease up. Mine's a pint of brown. 470 00:34:46,570 --> 00:34:51,350 Any old time, any old time. I'll drink any old time now, and then same again. 471 00:34:51,489 --> 00:34:55,349 You keep paying and I won't say when. Oh, Boston, gentlemen, it's way past 472 00:34:55,350 --> 00:34:56,369 closing time. 473 00:34:56,370 --> 00:35:00,349 With a little bit of shot, I'll be back for more next time. Next time, any old 474 00:35:00,350 --> 00:35:03,990 time. Thank you. 475 00:35:41,450 --> 00:35:42,500 Somebody's at my... 476 00:36:47,980 --> 00:36:51,000 Even now, I can't believe it happened. 477 00:36:55,311 --> 00:36:57,279 My 478 00:36:57,280 --> 00:37:07,399 name 479 00:37:07,400 --> 00:37:11,240 is Professor Martin Cratermouse. 480 00:37:11,720 --> 00:37:17,000 The Institute of Interplanetary Research set up in 1950... 481 00:37:17,440 --> 00:37:20,940 to photograph the dark side of Patrick Moore. 482 00:37:21,860 --> 00:37:28,699 I was in my laboratory pondering the question, if space is infinite, why can 483 00:37:28,700 --> 00:37:30,200 never find somewhere to park? 484 00:37:30,440 --> 00:37:35,839 And I was joined by my lab assistant, Miss Dibley. Have you seen my 485 00:37:35,840 --> 00:37:38,760 parapeticles? Yes, they're very, very nice indeed. 486 00:37:40,120 --> 00:37:42,770 By the way, do you know you left your glasses behind? 487 00:37:43,660 --> 00:37:44,710 Thanks. 488 00:37:46,680 --> 00:37:47,880 Professor Cratermouse. 489 00:37:48,920 --> 00:37:49,970 Martin. 490 00:37:50,400 --> 00:37:53,460 There's something I've got to say to you. My God, look at that. 491 00:37:53,780 --> 00:37:56,790 It's something I've been meaning to say for a very long time. 492 00:37:56,800 --> 00:37:58,060 I just don't believe this. 493 00:37:58,300 --> 00:38:02,700 You see, Martin, I can't disguise my feelings for you any longer. 494 00:38:02,940 --> 00:38:06,200 It's terrible. It's awful. It's absolutely diabolical. 495 00:38:06,201 --> 00:38:10,359 Oh, will you stop reading the small print in that insurance policy and 496 00:38:10,360 --> 00:38:11,410 me? 497 00:38:11,660 --> 00:38:12,710 Sorry. 498 00:38:12,880 --> 00:38:14,560 Did you say something? Yes. 499 00:38:16,080 --> 00:38:20,700 I said I... Which one of you is Mr. Martin Cratermouse? 500 00:38:22,040 --> 00:38:23,090 What do you want? 501 00:38:23,940 --> 00:38:25,800 Sergeant Gadget, Scotland Yard. 502 00:38:25,801 --> 00:38:29,539 We've just found something up the allotments, Professor. 503 00:38:29,540 --> 00:38:31,880 Something not of this earth. 504 00:38:33,080 --> 00:38:34,659 I'll be right with you. This 505 00:38:34,660 --> 00:38:44,379 is 506 00:38:44,380 --> 00:38:45,540 Mrs. Froscott. 507 00:38:45,800 --> 00:38:46,940 who made the discovery. 508 00:38:47,500 --> 00:38:49,520 We'd better cordon off, just to be safe. 509 00:38:51,560 --> 00:38:52,610 What's he found? 510 00:39:06,160 --> 00:39:07,210 Well, 511 00:39:08,160 --> 00:39:12,380 it is my belief, Sergeant, that this is no ordinary cauliflower. 512 00:39:21,210 --> 00:39:22,260 Good God. 513 00:39:23,250 --> 00:39:24,300 Green. 514 00:39:25,250 --> 00:39:26,300 Idiot. 515 00:39:26,830 --> 00:39:28,250 It's got a worm up its nose. 516 00:39:29,930 --> 00:39:32,700 Reminds me a wee bit of an air hostess I used to work with. 517 00:39:35,710 --> 00:39:37,010 I think he's coming round. 518 00:39:38,930 --> 00:39:40,190 Perhaps he's hungry. 519 00:39:40,670 --> 00:39:41,720 Try a banana. 520 00:39:42,150 --> 00:39:43,550 See if he takes that. 521 00:39:45,190 --> 00:39:46,240 this 522 00:40:50,771 --> 00:40:52,859 For easy. 523 00:40:52,860 --> 00:40:55,460 Have to do some further examinations, I'm afraid. 524 00:40:55,980 --> 00:40:58,760 Would you mind bringing over the x -ray scanner? 525 00:40:59,000 --> 00:41:00,620 Thank you. Certainly, Professor. 526 00:41:57,371 --> 00:41:59,649 What if he's not alone? 527 00:41:59,650 --> 00:42:04,389 Even as we speak, there could be a whole host of hostile extraterrestrials 528 00:42:04,390 --> 00:42:06,430 waiting up there to swoop down. 529 00:44:22,241 --> 00:44:27,049 sure the sodium pentothal will keep him under? 530 00:44:27,050 --> 00:44:28,970 Well, if it doesn't, we'll just have to 531 00:44:57,000 --> 00:45:01,079 And all international forces, east and west, have been placed on full military 532 00:45:01,080 --> 00:45:06,479 alert. If this is the end of the world as we know it, I want to tell you I love 533 00:45:06,480 --> 00:45:07,519 you, Martin. 534 00:45:07,520 --> 00:45:09,280 Stop. This is Ghibli. 535 00:45:10,040 --> 00:45:11,090 Ghibli. 536 00:45:27,050 --> 00:45:31,430 the new miracle space age lavatory cleanser. The tech is just out of the 537 00:45:31,850 --> 00:45:36,089 Any germs lurking under the rim, we'll wipe them all out. And the seedings are 538 00:45:36,090 --> 00:45:38,390 astronomical with, my God, Horace. 539 00:45:38,910 --> 00:45:40,250 Horace? There it is. 540 00:45:40,770 --> 00:45:42,370 Oh, my poor head. 541 00:45:42,690 --> 00:45:46,889 You never did, Horace. When you fell out of the helicopter yesterday, my God, I 542 00:45:46,890 --> 00:45:52,709 thought... Helicopter? I don't know what's been happening to me the last 24 543 00:45:52,710 --> 00:45:55,370 hours. I think I've been delirious. 544 00:45:55,371 --> 00:45:57,739 You mean you're both not... from another planet? 545 00:45:57,740 --> 00:45:59,900 No, Cricklewood, but you're close. 546 00:46:00,360 --> 00:46:01,410 Oh, 547 00:46:02,260 --> 00:46:03,580 I've got a terrible head. 548 00:46:03,860 --> 00:46:05,720 It doesn't look so good either. 549 00:46:08,800 --> 00:46:13,280 You must understand it's a mistake anyone could have made, Sergeant. 550 00:46:13,520 --> 00:46:16,020 You've made me look a right twit, Cranston House. 551 00:46:17,460 --> 00:46:18,660 I'll kill you. 552 00:46:18,980 --> 00:46:21,390 There's no need to. A little compassion, please. 553 00:46:27,760 --> 00:46:28,840 I deserved it. 554 00:46:31,080 --> 00:46:33,780 Green -skinned aliens from outer space. 555 00:46:35,320 --> 00:46:36,880 It's pure science fiction. 556 00:46:38,300 --> 00:46:40,240 It'll never happen in my life to... 557 00:46:57,001 --> 00:47:02,789 isn't it, Ronnie? But before we go, a few late items of news. 558 00:47:02,790 --> 00:47:07,229 Yes, lawyers confirmed tonight that Sheikh Haroum El Ram is being sued for 559 00:47:07,230 --> 00:47:09,050 divorce by his 500 wives. 560 00:47:09,550 --> 00:47:12,980 Apparently they came home early and caught him with 500 other women. 561 00:47:14,350 --> 00:47:19,169 An interesting world record was set today when the man who cuts the grass at 562 00:47:19,170 --> 00:47:23,269 Heathrow got caught in the undercarriage of a departing jumbo. He became the 563 00:47:23,270 --> 00:47:24,710 first man to mow the Atlantic. 564 00:47:25,351 --> 00:47:32,319 Thieves broke into the National Art Gallery in New York today. Police sealed 565 00:47:32,320 --> 00:47:35,990 all the exits, whereupon the thieves escaped through all the entrances. 566 00:47:39,080 --> 00:47:45,180 And news, news of a major breakthrough in the fight against insomnia. 567 00:47:45,540 --> 00:47:47,920 You can now get crossroads in pill form. 568 00:47:47,921 --> 00:47:53,639 Finally, we've just heard wonderful news from Whipsnade. The panda, which has 569 00:47:53,640 --> 00:47:57,370 developed a liking for music, has mated with the head keeper's harmonium. 570 00:47:58,220 --> 00:48:00,390 Experts say this may create a pandemonium. 571 00:48:02,920 --> 00:48:07,639 Next week, we'll be bringing you a sensational veteran circus act. The 572 00:48:07,640 --> 00:48:11,959 Zolder will fire a pistol and his wife, Zenita, will catch the bullet in her 573 00:48:11,960 --> 00:48:14,370 teeth, which will be in a glass on top of her head. 574 00:48:14,371 --> 00:48:20,679 We'll be talking to the Hertfordshire parson who's accused of misconduct with 575 00:48:20,680 --> 00:48:24,079 his housekeeper after they found his vest in her pantry and her pants in his 576 00:48:24,080 --> 00:48:25,130 vestry. 577 00:48:25,131 --> 00:48:28,869 Good night from me. And it's a very good night from him. Good night. 578 00:48:28,870 --> 00:48:33,420 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0